Getting the Treatment

Today, I head back to the hospital for a three-day stay to receive my second round of chemotherapy. After the first round and the rather harsh side effects, my doctors have been thoughtfully reevaluating and have a different system for administering the drugs. A better treatment plan, they hope.

In the meantime, I have been now received three radiation treatments with relatively few side effects and am receiving a three-week treatment of antibiotics for that darn infection, which finally seems to be healing up nicely. I also continue to take treatment in the form of pills after pills to treat the side effects of everything, including the pills themselves.

I guess you could say I've really been getting the treatment.

Oh, but the treatment might be working. My blood work is looking good. A very specific cancer antigen level they have been tracking since surgery is shrinking; despite my nausea my nutrition levels and blood counts all look good; and this morning when I woke up, I actually feel good heading into this next round of chemotherapy.

It's not just the medical treatment, though.

In the past few days, the Lord has given me great provision both spiritually, mentally, socially, and financially. I wish I could highlight each blessing to show that he is walking through this with me and definitely caring for my needs. Even my wants (wait til I post a picture of how awesome the holiday lights look on my house)! God has used the generosity of my employer and others I don't even know, the kindness of a nurse, the truthtelling and persistence of good friends, the tears and back rubs of my parents and family, the prancing of my dog, the sweetness of candy cane cookies, and the relief of a couple night's sleep to really give me the REAL treatment.

I don't know if my body is being healed, though it feels like it might be headed in that direction, but I do know that Jesus is sustaining me. I have more days when I feel like I CAN do this than when I CAN'T. And the best treatment for that is Jesus lovingly collecting your continued, faithful prayers on my behalf and presenting them to the Father. Thank you.

Things are Getting a Little Hairy

So, exactly two weeks after I began chemotherapy, my hair started falling out in clumps. That was my sign to shave it all off. The result? I'm now a baldy. Here's a picture of me without hair. I'm still getting used to it, and feel kind of self conscious in public (not to mention that being bald is cold!). But I am trusting the Lord for his good opinion of me, not mine or others.

And now, for a little friendly competition. The following two pictures show me with hair. One picture is my own hair shortly after I cut it. The other picture is me in my new wig. Without peaking back to previous posts, which picture do you think has the real hair and which the wig?

Thanks for sharing in this story with me. The plot is thickening, the characters are becoming more life-like, and the mystery and intrigue is keeping us all captivated. What a talented Author.

A Series of Events (some more "unfortunate" than others

When last I posted, I was on a bit of a pendulum swing -- good days, bad days. Then, the pendulum got stuck on mostly bad days.

That pain in my abdomen which I had chalked up to too much protein was actually an infection and a pelvic abscess resulting from my surgery. By the time I realized something big was going on, my temperatue was 103.3, my pain felt worse than anything I had experienced so far (except for maybe the day after my hysterectomy), and I had inadvertently locked myself inside the house without being able to move from the bed to the door without a lot of pain. I finally drug myself up to let in my boss and a couple of friends so the could take care me. Within the hour I had seen the doctor and was sent directly to the hospital.

Pain control took a while as they tried to assess the nature of the thing (we didn't find out about the abscess until that evening). I also had a brief scare that I may have had a staph infection in my blood (a false alarm), and my hair started falling out in chunks that evening. I cried.

Then, I said to my friend Kay who was sitting with me, "Quick, let's think of all the blessings we have to be thankful for." We thought of a couple of dozen. And soon, my despairing heart began rejoicing again. It was hard to move from panic to joy, and I could not have done it without His Spirit prompting me anew to reflect on the goodness of God in my life.

Among my many blessings are a family who cares for me, and since I left the hospital Wednedsay afternoon, they have loved me like I'm a rock star. Even though I've cried off and on today (Thanksgiving Day) because sometimes I'd rather be normal than a rockstar, I am thankful that Jesus is weeping and laughing with me.

On a lighter note, I am now officially a baldy head! (I like "baldy" better than "bald" because it sounds less curmudeonly). I'll post pictures after I return back to my own home Sunday(I am nice and toasty here with family for a few days).

I've missed you all and am thankful to Laura for her ingenuity in finding out information to pass along to you all.

Good and Bad Days

Yesterday was a good day. I was up early, worked from home nearly 8 hours, ate lots of little high protein meals, felt like talking on the phone when the day was nearly over. I even took a five minute walk in the neighborhood. Yesterday, I almost forgot I had cancer.

Today, I woke up after a restless night's sleep. My body ached, and my stomach seemed upset over all of yesterday's protein. I received three minutes of a brand new batch of radioactive material, and when I came home with a fever, I learned that tomorrow, if my white blood count is low, it may be back to the hospital for me. Today, cancer was again a reality.

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Having cancer has certainly brought a lot of clarity to my life. I feel a great burden to pray for others; I want to be surrounded by my friends and family; old grudges and past slights have just fallen away.

But some unexpected parts of my life have taken on new significance. I don't dread work -- even when I'm not feeling my best, I feel called to go to the computer and produce and create. I crave beauty and have enjoyed looking at photographs and catalogs. I also have the urge to paint and write, which will hopefully soon be matched with the energy to do so.

And something as silly as my neighborhood Christmas light contest became my deepest desire. I mentioned in passing this rather odd goal, and a friend recruited the youth group in my church to come and deck my house out with all the lights they can find this Saturday (I'll let you know in December if I win.)

I also realized that Advent is just around the corner. I love Advent, and for the past few years have taken great pains to observe and write about this tradition. I hope you'll stop by here often for some thoughts on the anticipation of the Christmas season as Advent approaches. I feel a new sense of expectation this year.

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It's not cancer that brings good days and bad days. It's life that does it. And in the midst of life, I am so thankful to know that Jesus is with me.

Radiating with a New Metaphor

Recently, when someone asked about my radiation treatments, they jokingly suggested I might be glowing when I finished. I laughed, and kind of wondered the same thing. Another friend cautioned me that though radiation can be part of a cure for cancer, it's also sometimes a cause of cancer. What's the difference?

I did worry when I left the basement lockdown area in the radiation department yesterday that I might expose young children or pets, but a quick scan revealed my radition levels back to normal, and I left in the same hue I came. At least on the outside.

Yesterday, through the course of the day as many of your were praying the prayer that never fails, God was answering. It was his will that I had strength for the treatment, it was his will that I had a little relief from the nausea. As the day wore on, he revealed his will to have friends visit and my dad stay all night to help keep away the nightmares I've been having.

Today, I am radiating in his perfect will because I feel encouraged and hopeful again. Not in any new or big way, just for this day. To walk boldly through this trial right now.

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Sometimes it's hard for me to imagine telling you anything new about my own struggle with cancer because so many of your own lives have been touched by this disease and others like it. This is a story that's much bigger than me. But perhaps it is the universal nature of the story that draws us together. You can learn from my chapter; I can learn from yours.

This is my new metaphor for cancer. It's actually an old metaphor I've been living in for years. It starts with the idea that our lives are a serial story, already written but revealed chapter by chapter over time. We are not the authors, but we do narrate. And like any unreliable narrator, we often get the facts a little mixed up. (Any good reader could tell you that!)

This metaphor is ringing so true to me right now because it captures all the good things many of you shared about your own metaphorical thoughts. Most good stories include a journey, a race, a fight. We find former glory restored. And we see amazing joy waiting to come.

Cancer has become a more significant part of my plot line now. It's come and gone before as family and friends have suffered with this disease. Through my life, cancer has become a part of your plot line again, too. But whether this cancer for me is merely a complication or the climax, we'll only know when we get to the end. Thankfully, the end we'll only be revealed to us when it's time.

No one likes to ruin a good story.

Practical Matters

My faith has become much more practical over the past few days, as sharp pains hit deep in my ankles and I have struggled to keep food down. One day, I was convinced I couldn't go on, until a friend reminded me that "I can do all things through Christ" sometimes means just laying on the couch and bearing the pain until it eases up a little. I didn't have to do "all" things at that moment, just the thing the Lord was asking me to. And He was there with me.

My prayer life has been different lately, too. I very much feel the Lord's presence in my life, but he and I aren't sharing a lot of words. Just abiding. And when my words do come, they sound more like "help" and "oh, Lord." Last night, in fact, I prayed just a simple prayer that I could find something to drink that wouldn't make me sick. Miraculously, I was able to sip on some plain water throughout the night, whereas just hours before, the "taste" of water was unbearable.

As remarkably fragile as I feel and appear right now, I am constantly amazed that this body God has made is still fighting and trying to heal. This vessel may be weak when compared with eternal glory, but it is amazingly strong when it comes to surviving the world and conditions we walk around in most of our lives. I am praying that the Lord will give me stewardship wisdom for caring for this sack of bones until we're both finished with it.

Today I start radiation therapy. If you would like to, please pray for me the prayer that never fails. "Not my will, but yours be done."

Update from Chemo #1

Well, I'm up at the computer for the first time since the chemotherapy started on Thursday. This first round was a little rougher than I had imagined it would be. While I was being infused the first day, everything seemed fine, but then after being home about two hours, the nausea, vomiting and achiness set in. I ended up being admitted Friday evening for about 24 hours of fluids and IV medication to help control the symptoms.

I came home Saturday evening, and things are moving ahead very slowly. Please pray for perserverence during the next few days. Hopefully the nausea will subside in the next couple of days, and maybe the achiness will ease up by the end of the week. My hair is holding on so far -- I may have another couple weeks for that.

Thanks for walking with me during this difficult time.